Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
