If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She bit a glass in half.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
