i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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