Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
