You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
