Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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