apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
