p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
