Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
