and you said cock pushups were impossible
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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