T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
