She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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