i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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