The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
