I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
