That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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