Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
