My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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