i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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