do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
