rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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