all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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