I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
