if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
