the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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