How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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