saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
