it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
