kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
