the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't turn off my feet"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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