my mouth tastes like poor choices
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
