Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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