So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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