it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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