i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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