I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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