Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
