I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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