Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There's always time for handjobs
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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