Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
