I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
