I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
