I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
