I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
