just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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