I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
