I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
