I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
