exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
