Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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